I Suck at Blogging

The main thing about blogging is that it provides a free, easy way to regularly post updates about various things. Regularly. I may be the suckiest blogger I know. My last post was September 28. This does not constitute regularity and thus may require me to conclude that this is no longer a blog. Maybe it's more like a web time capsule. A bapsule. Hey jargon, consider yourself coined.

Anyway, I'm going to put in better effort from now on. Probably. I'll start with an incredibly brief rundown  of all the places I've been since the last post.

Washington, DC: First Impressions

Got into Washington, DC, last night. Here's the straight dope, delivered with prejudice and without authority.

Number one first impression: who in god's name let the ghost of Julius Caesar design all the buildings in this town? I mean, seriously, this is the most neoclassical thing I've ever tasted, and I once ate a big heaping bowl of neoclassicism. Nearly every building is constructed from giant, white pieces of stone. Even the new buildings are reminiscent of ancient Greece or Rome, without actually putting winged gods on the roofs. And don't get me started on the giant, raging phallus that is the Washington Monument.

Let's move on.

On Death

Someone recently asked me if I had seen a lot of wildlife while I was riding to Nashville. The answer is complicated.

Many of you have already read about the exploding deer incident in Washington. Perhaps some of you have had your own experiences with roadkill. I assure you, until you have ridden a bike for 3,000 miles along American highways, or worked in a hot dog factory, you will not have seen as much dead wildlife (wilddeath) as I have in two short months. The following is a hastily compiled list of creatures I have seen just on this trip.

Primary Objective Complete...Now What?

Nothing went wrong yesterday. No flat tires. No close calls with semi trucks. The wind wasn't even that bad. But it became absolutely crystal clear that September 1 was my last day of long distance bicycling for 2010.

Nashville had always been my initial goal. I considered other options after Nashville: Atlanta, North Carolina, Toronto (idiot), California (oh god). But the plan was always to get to Nashville and reassess. So that's what I did. And that reassessment revealed that nearly every minute of riding since Kansas City has been pure agony. Not physical agony, though. I'm stronger, fitter, and let's just admit it, sexier than I've ever been. Every day I was growing more resilient, while psychologically I was deteriorating.

Unity on Two Wheels

A funny thing happens when you get on a bike and ride for great distances: you suddenly become a member of a club you didn't know existed. The Two Wheel Club. I am now a member.

It started subtly at first. Nods and waves from touring cyclists heading in the opposite direction. Calls of "hey biker!" as I entered a Washington state park, leading to a pleasant conversation with two mildly attractive yet unavailable female cyclists. Once I hit Portland, a very bike-friendly city, the esteem I received from my two-wheeled colleagues swelled my heart with pride. A guy on a very nice, very hip fixie took one look at the load on my bike and raised his fist in a sort of Black Panther salute. As I was leaving Portland, two guys on fancy road bikes out for the day helped me plan my route to the coast. Everyone wants to know where I started, where I've been, and where I'm going.

Utah: As Bad As I Wanna Be

Okay, so, many of you know that I rode through Idaho for 60 miles and decided to rent a car and skip ahead to Salt Lake City. Idaho is pretty much the only state with no cross-state secondary highways, forcing me to ride on the I-84 for great distances, which was dangerous and unpleasant. And I'm no longer in the business of doing things I don't like. The drive today confirmed that I made the right decision. Scary cross-wind, trucks with three trailers, gravel covered shoulders, dust storm warnings, etc. Idaho is bad news. Not to mention boring as cuss.

An Open Letter to the Oregon Department of Transportation

I realize that we are living in "these economic times" but seriously, ODOT, you need to consider some badly needed upgrades to your transportation infrastructure. Having now ridden 900 miles, I feel as though I hold some authority when it comes to road quality; please take the following as expert testimony.

One state down...

Well, this is the inaugural post on my retooled blog, featuring highlights (and lowlights) from my adventure on two wheels.

SATS goes on the road!

So, I moved away from Edmonton. But that doesn't mean the hilarity and libel lawsuits have to stop. I'm going to be traveling for a while, probably a long while. But there is bound to be bad service in other places, right? I won't have to just enjoy everything I do, will I?

So keep tuning in for crass, unfounded global commentary. Or else.

The Best Liquor Store in Edmonton

I realize I am inviting a hailstorm of pissed-offedness upon myself but I don't care. City Centre Liquor Store, located close to Eddie Bauer in the east portion of Edmonton City Centre Mall, is the best liquor store in the city. Hands down. Without a doubt. Probably. Why? Customer service, you monkeys.

Stars

There are few bands who produce consistently good albums over a long career. Radiohead is in there. Modest Mouse is pretty good at not sucking. Beck. Neil Young. But a lot of bands are either around for a long time, making the same ridiculous, boring album over and over again (Aerosmith, AC/DC, Rolling Stones); or they release one great album and each subsequent album serves only to detract from the success of the first (Interpol); or they release a brilliant album and more or less disappear, a la J.D. Salinger (Neutral Milk Hotel). With the release of The Five Ghosts, Stars may have solidified their status as a quality act with the longevity to call it a career.

Transcendental Stimulation

Transcend Coffee's Garneau location opened last week in the old Pharos Pizza unit next to the Garneau Theatre. This is good. This is what we've all been waiting for. And don't get me wrong, I appreciate not having to drive all the way to godforsaken 62 Avenue and 98 Street to get a cup of Clover coffee (now owned by Starbucks - boo). But seriously, what in Jesus' name took so long? When you see the phrase "Coming Soon" you kind of assume that "soon" means "before I go crazy from unrequited coffee lust." Apparently not so.

It's summer, let's dress like idiots!

The long, cold winter in Edmonton has a way of tricking human physiology into believing the weather is warmer than it actually is. Any normal subset of human beings goes outside in 10C weather and thinks, "it's quite medium out today, perhaps I need a jacket." But in Edmonton, as soon as the mercury crawls above zero, people like to pretend that they live somewhere that serves more drinks with umbrellas in them. And this produces a few distinct characters you are likely to see around town.

Huzzah! for Yellow Pages Group Co.

In a stunning announcement last week, YPG Co. indicated they would no longer automatically deliver white pages to Edmonton and area homes. Not stunning, you say? Perhaps you are correct, sir. But still, this is good news for people who like trees, hate clutter, and who have even the faintest working knowledge of the interwebs. However, there are still a few remaining white(pages)supremacists.

Places I Like to Eat Lunch: Shanghai Express

There is something about shiny food that intrigues me. Fruit and veg can be shiny, but that's not what I'm talking about. I mean artificial shine; when people intentionally shine up their food, like a bowling ball or a nice pair of shoes, it makes me want to eat it. I can't explain why. And Shanghai Express makes the shiniest food around.

Moriarty's Bistro and Wine Bar

Every neighbourhood has one business location where nothing can survive. We've all seen these poor investment black holes: the mom and pop Turkish restaurant that's also a dry cleaner, the deli counter cafe that still expects a 15% tip, the corner store with only two shelves of imported British snacks. Three to six months later and the "For Lease" sign goes back in the window, ready to swallow up someone else's life savings. The space at 10154 100 Street used to be a revolving door; it has been several things, including empty, since I moved to Edmonton. But most recently, the wise and cunning owners of the Sherlock Holmes Pub, right next door, opened Moriarty's Bistro and Wine Bar, a classy, tasty, and hopefully permanent fixture in the downtown revival.

An Elephant Never Forgets...Winter in Edmonton

My route to work takes me past the local CityTV studio. Most days I peer in the window and see local bands destined for nothingness, hopelessly lame hosts failing to cook dead simple recipes, and green-screen weather reports. But the other day, as I passed the corner of 102 Street and Jasper Avenue, I noticed something a little different. Dudes in fezzes, a cluster of onlookers, cameras, a grinning host, and one giant elephant.

Vampire Weekend

I don't often go to see popular music performed live. I mostly don't listen to pop music, but that's not why I don't go. I just don't think there is anything to be gained from seeing someone lip sync his way through exact replicas of overproduced hit singles. If I'm going to pay money to see someone spout off about failed relationships or daddy issues or recentalgia, I want to see some interpretation. Stick an oboe in there somewhere. But when Vampire Weekend (they are pop music) announced that their North American tour would begin in Edmonton, I bought tickets immediately, in spite of the venue. Why? I wanted to see if they could reproduce the jingles from their albums.

Daylight Saving Time: Friend or Foe?

Duh - friend. I love coming home from work in the sun. A pox on all of you who suggest losing an hour once a year is worse than the obvious benefits. And also farmers. A pox on morning-loving farmers.

Think about it: no more passing out in dark alleys at 4:30 pm. You can pass out in well-lit ones now. The incessant hooting of owls (see last week's post) will finally go quiet. And muggers will finally get a well-deserved vacation.

Let's have DST all year 'round. Down with Daylight Losing Time.

Edmonton Photo of the Week

Yup. That's an owl. In EDMONTON.

This shot of a barred owl comes to us via Flickr user sirkillex, who went bird hunting (in a good way) at Whitemud Creek Ravine.

Louisiana Purchase: Then and Now

When I first moved to The Flat, I happened to stroll past Lousiana Purchase, an out-of-the-way Cajun and Creole eatery west of downtown. I thought to myself, "Self, remember to eat some of that." And I did. And it was good.

Edmonton Photo of the Week

This week's image, creatively titled img042, comes to us thanks to Flickr user dirklancer, who snapped this shot on Jasper Avenue between 96 Street and 97 Street. This shot caught my eye for a few reasons:

A Quick Note About Dog Shit

Edmonton has undergone a significant warming trend over the last couple weeks. And like much of North America at the end of the last ice age, the snow is melting, revealing the detritus deposited and forgotten under the winter onslaught. Except instead of revealing mountains and valleys, the current heat wave is revealing heaping piles of canine excrement.

Champion Family Foods: The Saddest Supermarket in Canada?

Let me begin by saying there is nothing objectively wrong with Champion Family Foods; it sells all the usual goods you would expect at a supermarket, for competitive prices, and the staff are about as helpful as one can reasonably expect in Edmonton. I don't think Champion Family Foods is a dangerous or unsanitary location to purchase your average comestibles. However, CFF (11720 Jasper Avenue) has somehow managed to make a deep emotional connection with me, a connection that affects me every time I go in to find something for dinner. This is not a positive emotional connection.

Edmonton Photo of the Week

This is the first in what is hopefully a weekly post showcasing some of Edmonton's great photographers and photographs. There is a surprisingly large photographic community here, providing a unique and personal view of the city.

Here we have Silver Skate Festival - Abstract, from Flickr user Nelson-77, who kindly allowed me to feature his image. It was taken at Hawrelak Park during the Silver Skate Festival (as you likely guessed) and depicts plywood rope stands. I think this is an excellent photo for a few reasons:

Running Around

A quick note: To your left is an iPhone displaying the home screen from my new favourite app, Get Running ($1.99). This app is based on the same concept as Couch to 5K and I'm sure several other apps, in which a human voice coaches you gradually from short interval training to the ultimate peak of physical achievement - being able to run five kilometres without stopping.

Paul Futureshop, Esq.

Every time I go to purchase a significant piece of consumer electronics, I assume it's going to be a battle. No I don't want the extended warranty. No I don't want undercoating on my Blu-Ray player. No I don't want you to come back to my place and "plug it in" for me. Which is why, during my recent search for a new television, I was delighted to meet Paul, a TV salesman at the Downtown Edmonton Futureshop.

Art Gallery of Alberta

I should probably wait to write more posts until this site is indexed by Google.

But I'm not gonna.

The Art Gallery of Alberta (AGA, or, if you like, a-GAH) opened on January 31, 2010, after much pomp, hatred, circumstance, criticism, ado, and vitriol spilling out of the local press. It's a waste of money. It's an eyesore. It's an affront to the uneducated and people who live in the suburbs. Maybe it's all of those things. I don't care. The AGA is the only world class thing in Edmonton. I don't use the word thing because I can't think of a better word; my intention is to be that general. West Edmonton Mall is not world class. The Edmonton Oilers are not world class. No food or manufacturing or people are world class. Nothing here is world class. Except for the AGA.

The First Post

I don't know if I've ever read the first post of a blog before, never mind written one. Usually by the time most of us get to a blog, it's already been reviewed by Jian Ghomeshi and the author has a book deal and we've got to pick up the thread and wonder where it's been; it's like buying an $80 pair of vintage pants: you know they were probably $2 at a thrift store six months ago, and maybe worn by a homeless guy before that, but you don't have time to look into it. You pull them on and get on with your life.